Yaeren's Boring Life

SUCKS!!!!!!

TO!!!!!!

Be!!!!

You!!!!!!

I got a job, in a restaurant at Tubac, it's a cool restaurant, the job is easy, the pay is good, only bad thing is that, my parents are already planning on how i'm gonna spend my money.

Note to them!
If you gave me the money i needed, i wouldn't need a job

so what makes u think i'm gonna take u out to dinner, or pay for the shoes i have needed for the past 8 months!!

oh and by the way, u guys need to drive me, there and back, everyday!
Have fun, cause i aint driving ur guyz cars!!

Sunday March 18

Dad came home stone drunk at about 3 a.m. I woke up with BAD stomach cramps!! This fasting seems more like a liquid diet, no one has noticed that I don’t eat, that’s a good thing, and it will be harder to get by once it’s just my mom and me back home. There’s talk about going to a ranch today, we’ll see how that turns out. I swear I’m gonna shoot and strangle the next person who mentions food!!! My stomach does cartwheels each time the subject is brought up. Writing in the car gets me queasy. I’ll write later cause I feel like vomiting.
Arrived at the ranch, it’s gorgeous, sunny day, cool breeze, lots of sand. My little cousins playing outside, laughter of children filling the air, with the pleasant scent of lemons, grapefruit, and oranges lingering in the air, its paradise, I love it! Brings back childhood memories, give us a bucket and a shovel and we’ll have endless fun! Anyways last night seems to be less fuzzy. It’s kind of funny the things people say about you when they think you are not listening.
Right now I’m in the car, there is food EVERYWHERE!! Sea food to be exact, why didn’t I stay with my brother back home? My stomach burns and my mouth waters! But I refuse to fall into temptation! I think I’ll go swing my cousin on the hammock; his laughter brings joy and tranquility to my heart.
Yes we are going to the beach that at least gets me 20 minutes away from cancerous digestive objects. I pray to God the trips goes well. We are packed like sardines here. I am in the front of the car with my parents. Dad is driving mom is in the co-pilot seat, and I’m sitting behind my mom, in the back of the truck the oldest person is twelve. Here is the list, Melissa age 12, Mayra age 7, Jose Ivan age 7, Marian age 5 Abraham age 1, the twins Gorge Eli and Jose Eliu age 5, Brandon age 4, Vladimir age 8 and Alex age 2.
May God, guide us on this trip and keep our souls safe from harm and disaster. It’s one thing to want your family dead, but these children are young and innocent. They haven’t been corrupted or tempted with sin. They know nothing but pure bliss, happiness and joy. It is not fair to them to die such a sudden and tragic death. The ocean town is really pretty, a lot of orange trees that smell good. This place brings back a lot of memories! I KNOW!!! I’ll write your name on the sand.
I’ve come to the conclusion that food is disgusting, and serves nothing more than the purpose of making our bodies imperfect. We should be able to make ourselves pure to survive and live off nothing but water and air.
Ugh.. Bumpy road makes my stomach turn, and my head spin. And if my parents keep commenting on absurd stuff, I wouldn’t mind having the engine blow up in their face.
The water is gorgeous and blue, clean and pure maybe my mom will drown in it. With all the body fat she has the sharks will love her! My dad can die later on from fish poisoning, I need him to get home. Ugh I’m definitely puking once I get off the car. Okay well I got to go throw up, I’ll write later.
The water silvers with the beat of the sun, and the music rays carry tunes of trumpets, guitars and drums across the plain. The sun is warm the breeze is cool, the sand is hot the water is cold. The air smells of fish and sound of a dozen children playing.
There is a rope swing hanging from the ceiling wood, its tons of fun and tons of pain. No food in sight or sound, it is a good sign. I have this dreadful feeling that one of my cousins are going to drift into the ocean, since the tide is high, and I will be the one to save them. Anyways I should go look out I’ll write later. Okay when the water is above their it’s time to rescue them. I need aspirin, ibuprofen, Tylenol, Advil, anything to kill this massive head ache.
Okay I’m back, didn’t swim but buried little ones in the sand it got messy. I wrote our names in the sand and on the wood.

Couple of Hours Later

You know there is something really unfair about being a girl, and trusting a man wit a car. Let me elaborate, my aunt won’t let my cousin Lynett drive Evelyn and I to go buy ice cream 5 blocks away. But she had no problem in letting my male cousin who is the same age as Lynett, drive even though he’s been drinking all night long, and Lynett is sober. Anyways this is injustice to the maximum. Anyways note to self never EVER drink while you are fasting. It makes you drunk a heck of a lot faster. And then gives u a head ache. And you can’t take aspirin with alcohol, cause who knows how bad you’ll get afterwards. Anyways Lynett left wither friends, Evelyn (my twin) and I managed to get a car and some money, and we went to go buy some coffee. My mistake, my stomach was doings turns all night long.
I can understand why people get addicted to things, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and nicotine. It helps you calm down your nerves, makes everything right for a second. It flows through your veins and quiets down the cacophony in the mailstorm of chaos. I think my aunts suspected something in the end; I was in the kitchen table when my mom said, “If he doesn’t want to up here (Pointed to her head) he wont want to down here (pointed to the bottom of her stomach).” And that’s when I exploded! I yelled, “Why do you guys always have to be talking about sex!” silence fell upon everyone’s face, the way dominoes tumble against another. My aunt very timidly told me ‘We’re not talking about sex.” I responded, “Sex, Intercourse, Fornicating, it’s all the same thing! Penis penetrates vagina, deduction sex!” Again everyone was silent, I thing my male cousin and my uncle were in the kitchen by now. My mom made this weird face as if I had caught her in a lie, or I had been caught. She said “Yaeren we are talking about an operation.” Again I exploded with, “Well next time you might want to change your hand signals because they’re sending out the wrong message!! Because when you point there and refer to a man, I’m pretty sure you’re not talking about how pretty his belt buckle is!” But yah everything after that is fuzzy. Well I’ll write tomorrow.
YAEREN

Saturday March 17

Well second day with out eating, Stayed in bed till about 11, avoided breakfast, changed into hideous clothes my mom packed me, since I was told we were leaving town 2 seconds before I got on the bus for school. Went to Aunts house we were suppose to go to the cemetery I’m not sure what came up but we didn’t go. When we get married I’m taking you to meet my grandma, I haven’t visited her in four years, my mom never lets me go see her. But as soon as I can, I’m gonna drive down here, buy lilies and tulips and set them on her grave, then I’ll read a book underneath the tree for an hour. Anyways at my aunts house we watched movies, dinner came, and I stayed putt when food is out of sigh it’s out of my mind. No hunger pains yet or bitchiness, for the exception of the crude comment I made towards my mother basically I said that a 1960 Ford truck (it use to belong to my grandfather) looked a lot younger and better than my mom who was born in 1963.
My cousin bit my neck! He said he was gonna leave a mark on my neck so my boyfriend will get mad and break up with me. I laughed and told him; the only way that would happen was if my mom didn’t kill me first

Friday March 16

The trip was hot! It was like being cooked in a prison oven. I got stuck in the back of the truck (dad’s car). I’m going on a fast for week, for two reasons, weight and God. I’m stumbling blindly for an answer. Maybe if I sacrifice this I’ll get my answer. So far I’ve had orange juice, water, soda, water, juice, water, beer, water, ohh and ibuprofen, a lot of water and ibuprofen. The top of my stomach hurts, but I guess that’s normal since the only thing I have in it is a sugar cookie I ate, and a chip. But the sugar cookie was pink and cute I couldn’t resist. By the way did u ever eat you sugar cookie? You probably didn’t u little whore. I haven’t gotten around the whole praying every time a meal comes around, I’m not there yet. Went to church today, the Father talked about how piercing and tattoos corrupt youth. My cousin pointed at my ears, and I pointed at her stomach since she pierced her own bellybutton a couple of years ago. Then he got to something about image. Sometimes the catholic religion is too judgmental.
Mon, aunt, and uncle send me to the store with $20 to buy chips and soda, I bought nine liters of soda, coke, fanta, sprite, and like nine bags of chips, 2 Tostitos, Fritos, Ruffles, lays, Sabornes, Takis, Churritos, Cheetos, Rancheritos, this weird name, and a Hershey’s bar. The Lady at the register looked at me funny. It’s a good thing the store was 3 bocks away from the house, it wasn’t a long walk O really am COE (Compulsive Over Eater) If I’m sad or depressed I eat a lot and my appetite disappears when I’m mad. I’m getting sleepy now I’ll write later.

*I wonder if he truly loves me, if he ever did or still does

**I wonder were our friend ship went down the drain

**I wonder if she ever worries about me

*I wonder if he cares for me as much as i do for him

*I wonder if he'll ever love me again

I wonder why i lied, and did the things i did.

I wonder why one can forgive and the other can't forget.

*I wonder if things will ever be all right

*I wonder how much time will pass

**I wonder how, after all this time we are so much a like

I wonder if they know the things i know

and i wonder if they wonder too

people involved in all the current Drama
(no specific order)

1. Msy
2. Mon
3. Jca
4. Yen
5. Pul
6. Rdo
7. Gan
8. Cis
9. Nle
10. Mny
11. Cia
12. Man
13. Sey
14. Mie
15. Sie
16. Len
17. Did
18. Hdi
19. Sff
20. Yli
21. Eie
22. Mue
23. Nsa
24. Lis

The reason why there is so much drama is because .......

It’s impossible to say a thing exactly the way it was, because what people say can never be exact, they always have to leave something out, there are to many parts, sides, crosscurrents, nuances; too many gestures, which could mean this or that, too many shapes which can never be fully described, to many flavors in the air or on the tongue, half colors, there is just to many things.

On top of that you always leave something diffrent out when you tell diffrent people. and the fact that epoepl tell their friends makes the drama even bigger and it spreads. And that is how mized messages are crossed.

To everyone who is involved in a problems i hope things work out

STOP IT!
Ok!
I don't know whats worse? i kind of know what ur up too, and i'm sorry that i found out. I didn't mean too, the information managed to stumble across me.
Ur doing the same thing that i did to you, the only diffrence is that i succeeded. And when i realized what you asked my friend to do, i wondered what kind of sick twisted person would as a person to stabb their best friend, then i realized that ur just as bad as me. Cause that is what i did to you.
I'm sorry, i didn't mean to take away ur friend on purpose it just kinda happened, but yes u do have every right to take away my friend



HOLLY shit!!!

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOo fuckign confused right now?!?!
It's funny how if you do a little bit of research the tables can totally turn!! So what to believe, you act so nice and truthfull in front of my face, but you say such horirble things of me to him. If you have to lie to accomplish whatvere it is, then that is bad, and i do not approve! But i have a feeling that you meant what u said to me! Please don't hurt me, ur my friend i love, i'm confused.

You know you are the product of a disfunctional family, when a teacher gets the impression of that your family is far beyong normal, let a lone sane, after you tell her 3 sentences describing your family.
i'l get back to this subject later sorry

Currently i'm in a ..... abnormal situation, has it's ups and downs. But all i got to say is that, Cristal is right, people are two faced and scummed bags, if they ever do go through misery they deserve it. Hopefully they don't drag down the good people with their horriblr influence.
the good side, is that i get to know more about people and how to deal with them.
Bad thing is because of those people, i am the way i am, and end up hurting other people,
And i hate to say that he is right, (although he might be)

UGH! stupid bond!
Once you make a strong bond with people, it's very hard to brake. Revenge is sweet, but currupted, people always say, don't stoop down to their level, so i guess what you do is enjoy misery at a distance, it's akward but resolvable .
Anyways time to get more pesonal

I hate you!!
I hate you for shrinking me down to your amusement! You have no right to comment on me, i never comment on your stupid lives cause honestly they are to damn pathetic to comment on. How could you do this! You used me for your advantage, and your still using me. And i can't believe that you are stupid enough to believe that i haven't found out yet. But do what ever you please, i have the upper hand (i'm just not good on acting upon it) one day you'll regret it. I can't believe i ever trusted you, you seemed so sweet and innocent, then bam! You stab in the back and become and intolerable person! All i hope is that your life continues to rots as it has been, and that it continues to rot into absolutely nothing and you die in hell. I hate you for making me the way i am, and for changing people for the worst.
I don't know what else to tell you except i will continue greeting you, with the same fake smile you give me, cause i pity you, cause i know you a lot better than you think, i know you a lot better than the people closets to you.

(((Oh by the way, i'm sorry about what happened to your brother, don't worry, he still love you and things will work out for the best )))

How do you hide two GIGANTIC! bruises form ur parents?

Is it possible to read `100 pages of my hisotry book in one day??

.......... we are about ot find out!

I use to love that song, now they play it every night, it was the 1st song i heard you sing, i heard anybody song really. Now the question is did u sing it beacuse i asked you too, or because u wanted too. Sigh it's a pretty song, but hte lyrics bite,

WEll i went to Juarez this weekend, got back home wiht a shit load of homework
drank cofee now i can't sleep
this is my 1st all nighter of the school year!
tomorrow will be my second!
Damn! i'm gonna die tomorrow

Ok so this entire thing is my fault! I'm the one who asked you to help me.
ANd you say the only reason why you help me was because you didn't think i could pull it off.
but guess what! you underestimated me! I DID pull it off. And i know it was totally wrong, and i can go to Jail for it. Too bad the thing i was looking for wasn't there. I guess that is one piece of information that i will never know.
SO then you call me the next day, and tell me to do the right thing. And i did do the right thing. I told him the truth, or atleast most of the truth. I didn't tell him my reason for doing such a horrible thing.
But you wanna know the sucky part! IS that i have to take the blame for BOTH of us, cause believe it or not, you are not little miss innocent, you had as much to do on this as i did. So now i'm taking twice the punishment that i partly deserve.
Don't get me wrong i know where you are comming from
He's you best friend, you don't want to ruin things between you too, so what ever relationship i have left with Paul is risk at my expensive, so everything can be right in your world.

I know we are friends too, i just can't believe i'm actually doing this for you! I shouldn't be doing this, but i am,
D@mn i wish i wasn't so tolerant.
SO now i'm doing what you are telling me to do.
I'm letting him hate me (more than he already those) and all i can do is just sit.
Because it's not like i was ever good at talking to him, so i doubt i can even get a word across, and even if i did, he is and was and will be stubborn, so it's not like he'll believe me.
And i don't want him to believe me.

You say it will only be for a while, but how long is a while? I don't like being hated. Although he does have reason to be angry with me.

I guess, maybe, one day, all of this will be forgotten, and this problem will slowly fade away, like the rest of our memorize.

I have to accept the fact, that you have moved on in your life no matter how i feel about you. I'm sorry i did screw things up big time, and even though it took me a very long itme to realize i was wrong, and how much you meant to me. It's too late now, cause I took up too much time. I lost you. I miss you, I need you.

But anyways, you appear to be happy now, and that satisfy me, please one day forgive me, even though i might not deserve it.

I love you, then, now, and forever'

You where always a lot more than a simple love story

This is not good, this is not good at all. GO AWAY!!! your not suppose to come back, your suppose to disapear...

and for some reason your everywhere!! even when ur not around. In other words, i'm hillucinating your precense! which is not a good thing, this will lead me to liking you again, and then the world will be even more chaotic than what it already is. >.<''

I don't know what to do, talk to you, or ignore you or what!!

It's almost going to be a year!! and i know you know!! A lot happened in one year!

ahh, i'm driving myself insane!! just ............... i don't know, just ............ just .................




everything sucks, life sucks, i suck!!
the end.

Paul,
Why do you have to make things so complicated. Just accept it. Please, you freak out too much. I need you to be sure, i need you to understand, to forgive, to forget. I want you out of the picture. Even if that means that we never exsisted. I want to be happy, and i just want you gone. I wanna let you go. I need to let you go. I need you to let go too, we're both hanging on thread. Waiting for the other one to apologize. But guess what, neither of us will. I'm tired of always having to be the one who is wrong. The one who always has to go first. I mean, it's nice and safe,but sometime you just get tired and you need a brake. We both have too much pride to swallow, and too many thoughts of who is wrong. We're stubborn, one of us more than the other.

GROW UP!! stop being such a little kid. Liking someone is normal, everyone has feelings and emotions, they are htigns that are not meant to be hidden. Stop beign such a afraid the whoel world is not out ot get you, at first it might seem like that, but in order to know real and true happiness, you have to know loneliness. I'm sorry things are not working out for you, but get over it, they eventually will. And yes even when you put so much into things, you sometimes get nothgin back. I'ms oryr but thats LIFE. Get use to it, you got a long time to live it. You shouldn't expect the same thing out of people. and you should know what you want, because when you tellme to resolve OUR problem, it sounds like you don't care. And when i do resolve it to the best of my abilities. You don't seem to be to content about it. But yet you never did or said anything to let me know what you wanted.

I know Missy hurt you, but that was a long time ago. You say u are over it, then show it. Not every realationship is going to be that bad and hurt. It will be A LOT worse, and A LOT better. Your expectign too much, too soon. Your bearly fifteen, just be patient.

You have a soul of gold. ANd maybe what you are looking for, or waiting for, is not here in Rio Rico. That might be why things don't work out. Its out there somewhere else. Go find it. Cause trust me it wont present it'self to you.

Let goof your grudges, learn to forgive, and move on. ecause if you don't you'll get dragged down. People do and say stupid things. You shuodlnt' take them serious. Not everything is in our control. Things turn out unexpectly, people don't try to purposely hurt you. It just happens. We're too fragile, and not strong enough, that we get hurt.

That's the sucky thing about this town. It's too small you run into the people you don't want to, too often.

I dont' think you ever talk about this and it helps the healing process to do so. Because people out there ,must be told about the self-loathing that follows pain. Your silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. I hate it when you ingnore me. It's very painful to know that you don't exsist. And i kwno you are not ignorant, because you have to work more to ignore people. Ingnorance is suppose to be bliss, and easy to get. It doesn't require much work.

You know who you like Paul, deep down inside hidden from the wolrd and yourself. You knwo who you truly like, and trust me i knwo ti's not me, and i know that you know. WHY did you betray your own heart? Your goign to end up killing yourself, and the sad part is that you alone would brign it upon yourself.
Feelings are given a voice, but the logic behind it remains mute, and so you lose faith in your own desires.

I......I... got to go now, i'm sorry for being so harsh.

Good Bye
Yaeren

IT"S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING HOT AT MY HOUSE!!!!!!!!

93 degrees~

INSIDE~~~~~~~ and thats is downstairs, upstairs it's even wore probaly 98

i wish it would rain

let it rain